i have dealt with insecurity, well, my whole life i suppose. sometimes pretty bad cases of it. at certain times it has hindered productivity in every area of my life - spiritual, physical, relational. pretty scary. does this surprise you? i have a feeling it would surprise most people who are not extremely close to me. i mean everyone deals with this to a certain degree and in different ways. but i think people forget that sometimes. we look at a person and think that their life is a comfortable and happy stroll, when in reality everyone, and i mean that literally - everyone, is facing some sort of battle that the outside world knows nothing about. i think that is my main motivation to be a teacher/coach/guidance counselor/whatever God wants me to be. i have a specific sensitivity and compassion for this topic.
on top of insecurity, i do not like to talk about my "problems" to other people. and i put problems in quotation marks because this is my line of thought: is my "problem" really a problem compared to what others face? are my feelings really legitimate? even now as i am typing this, i am thinking, well people are going to read this and think that i believe my issues are bigger deals than theirs and think i'm whining. it's like i can't make it go away! i know that people care about me but i haaaate complaining! i don't even like talking about problems to God, the One who is always there and wants me to come to Him with everything. that is why this is an issue for me. Beth Moore says in the book, "If it is translated as something huge to your heart, it is huge to God on your behalf." Jordan has been helping me with this and it is something i am working on because it goes hand in hand with my insecurity. so just typing this for people to read is a big step and actually helping me in the process. even if no one reads it.
i know what you're thinking - give me specifics. tell me how you are insecure. well as hard as that is, i will do that. only because if it helps ONE person then i have accomplished God's purpose in me writing this. i am kinda laughing to myself right now because i have a feeling this may end up being pretty long. but here it goes. i will try to categorize my insecurities the same way that Beth Moore has separated them in the book.
rejection.this has been my main relationship insecurity. not being wanted. not being loved. not in the right way at least. i have felt very wanted in the wrong way, which may feel good for a moment, but then actually makes me feel even worse about myself. this is another thing that i don't think many people realize - when a girl is constantly wanted in the wrong way, she will believe that it is the normal way. she will estimate her value and worth by that way. this is a lie from the devil himself! flee from that kind of acceptance and desire because it is not real love, that is for sure. i see so many girls using their sensuality and attractiveness to feed their worth, but it doesn't suffice. it never will. it is like air puffing them up with no substance. only God can fill you up when you find your identity in Him.
rejection from guys has caused me to do some pretty crazy things that make me cringe when i think about them. which has also led to guys doing some pretty crazy things. all because i have been insecure. the period of time from when i first got dumped after my junior year of high school to this past January has been full to the brim of rejection insecurity. i am so thankful that i have a great home and family who love me and show me they love me, because if i hadn't, oh my word i would be a wreck. thank God i've only experienced it with guys. so i have a huge amount of compassion for anyone who has experienced rejection in their home life. this has caused me to make many bad decisions in relationships, and i hate the fact that i have hurt people because of it. by God's grace He has given me a man who loves me for who i am and values me because i am a daughter of the King, and i thank Him for that multiple times a day. no, i cannot get my worth from Jordan, but God has used him to point me to Himself and what God thinks of me. and He thinks that i am fabulous and will never reject me! what a promise!
well i don't want this to get too extensive for one post. but the next two categories will be significant loss and dramatic change. that will be included in Part 2, if you would like to return to read that tomorrow. for now i will leave you with another quote from the book:
"Let Him bring you peace. Let Him tell you you're worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and yes, beloved, keeping. Whatever you do, don't reject the only One wholly incapable of rejecting you."
"I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." -Isaiah 41:9-10