Thursday, October 28, 2010

so long, insecurity. part 2.

a significant loss.
this is huge. loss can change your life in a second. in a phone call. it can change everything you know. it can change people, families. every single person deals with it at some point. i have not experienced much loss in my life. until this year i did not lose anyone really close to me or in my family. i even knew that it would be hard for me. i had told my friends and Jordan that i had no idea how i would handle it when one of my grandparents finally goes home to heaven. i thought that would be my first loss. i was wrong.

most people who know me know about the tragedy my family experienced this past summer. when my cousin Ben died, it was heart wrenching. the thought of the situation and how everything happened made it hard to breathe. it still does. it's hard for me to even think about and especially talk about. i usually ignore it. that is where my insecurity comes in. i have to trust in God enough to let Him help me deal with the feelings and emotions that have come from this loss. even if it's crying out to Him saying why?? how could it happen this way? how will my family ever be the same? i have been too insecure to even cry out to Him. to ask Him the questions that He already knows are in my heart. the questions that have built up bitterness and resentment towards His will inside me. you may have the same questions in your heart concerning a loss. David cried out to God with questions like those constantly in Psalms. in Psalm 13, he goes from asking him questions that it would be hard for me to ask God, to thanking Him.
 
 1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?  2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 6 I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.
 
that comforts me. the questions may not have answers but it helps just to cry out. i am learning this and trying to deal with it God's way - giving it over to Him and not ignoring it or trying to be numb to it. being secure in the promise that He will give me the peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) and i know it's about to get a lot harder with the holidays coming up, but God is my strength in weakness. and in insecurity.



dramatic change.
 
this has been the main cause of my insecurity lately. you already know that i don't like change. and these days my life is all about change. i moved back to my house, which is quite strange after four years of not living there. Blake moved out and went to college. my best friend got married. i'm going to graduate college. i retired from Storm Squad. i got ENGAGED. it's all so craaaazy! life is so different. and it's taking its toll on me in different ways.

you may think i'm nervous about planning a wedding. yeah that is kinda nerve wracking. but what is scary is preparing for marriage. when i think about becoming a wife, i want to be the best one ever. especially because i'm marrying, in my eyes, the best man ever. so this makes me anxious and yes, insecure. i know it shouldn't, i know i should just give it over to God, but that is easier said than done. i'm working on it. i just feel like there are so many things i need to learn and improve on! i guess that's how it will always be. but i need to learn how to cook better. to iron better. to manage money better. to communicate better. the list goes on and on. thankfully i have an awesome mother and a wonderful future mother-in-law as examples for me. and most importantly, i need to learn how to respect and submit to my husband, treating him exactly how God planned marriage to be.


i think the change that has made me the most insecure lately is that i have quit Storm Squad (SSQ). this may sound ridiculous, and when i really think about it it seems ridiculous to me too. but i did not realize how much security i found in being a SSQ member. when i think about it though, my initial motives for trying out were not all that great. i mean some of them were - i love to work with kids, i love the Canes, i love sports, i love people, i love smiling, etc. so that was a good fit. but i also had ugly motives - i wanted to be "successful", i wanted to have not peaked in high school, i wanted to show certain people that i could do it, and i really wanted to impress a guy. yes, a guy. i thought if i made SSQ, surely he would never want another girl! hahah yes it is stupid. and no it didn't work. 
 
now i'm not saying it was a bad thing for me to be on SSQ. God used it as a ministry and He used it to make me grow in so many ways. i met the most wonderful people and will always have my Canes family. i wouldn't change any of it. but i did let it get to my head and ended up putting too much priority on it. and i know that if i hadn't done that, then it wouldn't have become my security. but i did and it did. i'm not gonna lie, it's a good feeling to have your own month on a calendar. and to have people want your autograph. and constantly give you compliments and want to talk to you. and to treat you like you're some famous person sometimes. but i relied on all of that for my confidence wayyy too much! but didn't realize it until it's been gone. now that i think about it, it's kind of a relief to have most of my confidence stripped away, because that's when i truly get on my knees and point to Christ. which is what i should have been doing more of all along. and i'm sorry i didn't. all glory and honor goes to Him. and that is what should make me secure - that i am a tool for His glory. not that someone wants my autograph.


 
so now what?
okay so i've figured out my main insecurities (although there are many more, most of them stem from those core sources). now what do i do? what i'm learning to do is immerse myself in the Word. more. always more. and when i keep wanting more, my desire for it keeps growing! it's an amazing and wonderful thing. i am surrounding myself with people and things that are uplifting. those movies or songs that are degrading to women? no thanks. books or shows that promote an "all about me" lifestyle? noooo. people who are constantly talking about others and comparing themselves? shut your mouth when you're talking to me. i don't want any of it. i just want my identity in Jesus! this is going to be a process and a journey. and i will let you know how it goes. until then...i am His beautiful daughter & that is all i need to know!

"I will praise You, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." -Psalm 139:14

3 comments:

  1. Ashley, I have really enjoyed your blog! I cannot even begin to express how your words about significant loss have directly applied to my life with everything going on with my sister! I have been struggling with the very same "why" questions. Philippians 4:7 was the perfect passage to end my day! Btw, you will be an amazing wife! The best advice I could ever give would be a little saying my parents have framed in their house- "Marriage is like a garden, it takes a lot of love and a little work each day". That's the best part of marriage, you grow & learn as a team, you're never on your own! God placed you two as a "team" for a specific reason. And that my dear is what will grow your marriage to amaaaazing heights!

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  2. Wonderful thoughts, Ashley. Always remember there is no perfection in this life. The more we try to do things on our own, as you have already seen, the more of a mess we make. When we find our identity in Christ all of those things become so uninteresting! I can totally understand what you are feeling and have felt. I have been there. Just remember that when you become a wife you don't have to try to be Super Woman. Lean on the Lord first and on your Jordan through all of the ups and downs and you will find success as a wife. Learn together... that is the beauty of marriage.

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  3. Beautiful.... thank you for sharing your heart. A book that has been a huge blessing in my life and my girl friends lives is "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Enjoy the journey and blessings, time goes so quick.

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