In my last post, I mentioned how I have feelings about this baby that are hard to explain. One way to explain a small part of this goes back to my first real date with Jordan.
We had hung out numerous times in groups, and it was easy to see him since he lived in the building next to mine, but this was the first time he actually asked me out. (Which caused me to jump up and down on my bed like a 12 year old.)
So when Jordan and I went on our first date, he picked me up in "The White Blur" (a Chevy Cavalier Rally Sport) and took me to Noodles & Company at Cameron Village. I had never been there before. He ordered the mac & cheese with chicken and I did too. It's still what we get there.
He was wearing a yellow MTYC polo shirt. I had on a comfy, spring dress that was a mixture of purples, teals, and yellows. We were both starting to get tan as it was April and that's when everyone skips ahead to summer here in NC.
We sat across from each other at a booth. I'm sure I was giggly as usual. Man, he was handsome.
|boyfriend & girlfriend in 2010 :) with him being ridiculous of course.|
There are a couple things I vividly remember from that date. The first one is that after dinner we watched the movie Seven Pounds at my apartment. I had a separate sound system with speakers but the remote was dead, so I had to get up and adjust the volume until it was right. While I was up, Jordan smoothly put his left arm up on the back of the couch so it ended up behind me when I sat back down. So naturally I spent the next fifteen minutes to an hour wondering if he was trying to put his arm around me or not. (He was.) After the movie we sat there and talked for a long time and he told me a story about how he "ran away" from home when he was little taking his McGee & Me backpack full of necessities into the woods. I was pretty smitten. (Still am.)
The second thing I remember was at dinner. This isn't something that happened, but a feeling. As we were sitting there eating our mac & cheese and talking, I distinctly remember having an overwhelming feeling that I wanted to know every little thing about him. This feeling was so strong that it was like a physical weight on me, this question of "Who are you?" I had never been so intrigued by someone. It was exciting, but at the same time bewildering because at that point I barely knew anything. I wanted to know it all and I wanted to know it fast. I also realized how creepy this would sound if he could read my mind. So I waited until way, way later when we were engaged to tell him this. (4 months, HA!)
This is kinda how I feel about the baby. I am overwhelmed by him. He's a person, someone who is so physically close to me (using my body as a house is about as close as it gets) and yet I don't know him at all. There have been times when I've wondered out loud to him, "Who are you??" And when I'm testing out what we think his name will be I'll say, "Are you ______?" He is a mystery.
But just like with Jordan, the mystery is what makes it awesome. I've had the incredible privilege of getting to know Jordan for five years now, and would love to continue to do so for as long as the Lord allows.
And now I get to know a new Shelley guy. With his own personality and mysteries. Maybe some of the things I've learned about his dad will show up with him too. I hope so.
What amazes me about all of this, is that as I'm wondering, "Who are you?" I can know that he is already fully known and loved by the One who created him. To God, my son isn't a mystery.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me!
You know what I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
and Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
This comforts me, amazes me, and causes me to worship. Who am I that the Lord would want to know me, know everything about me, and still love me? And my husband. And my son. It is grace upon grace. Praise His Name!