This is the continuation of my previous post, which contains Steps 1 & 2.
Before I get to the next steps, I want to point something out. My friend Brett, who has been such a great friend to me, asked me in regard to the previous post, "Do shy guys that lack confidence fall under 'not mature enough'?" What a great question! No, no. They are probably more mature than the more outgoing guys for the most part. What this goes back to, is what I pointed out yesterday, that the "shy guy" probably isn't going to be the one to try and sweet talk you to get you to like him. The awesome, respectful, shy guys are often overlooked because they get stuck in the friend zone with girls. Most girls want to skip straight to the romance, when really it's the friendship that is important for the foundation of the relationship. Also, we need to work on building guys up so they can have that confidence, treating them with RESPECT.
I personally think that the problem is that the girl doesn't normally allow herself to develop a romantic relationship with the "shy guy" because he's not as forward, and doesn't produce the love-at-first-sight-romantic-comedy-bam-you're-suddenly-perfectly-matched type of relationship that she's hoping for. The nice guys often wonder why girls go back to their jerk ex-boyfriends or go for the guy who's had 87 girls or the bad boys or whatever, and I know, it is ridiculous. I was a part of that ridiculousness. Whether it be because of insecurity, immaturity, or being just plain dumb - we girls need to get our acts together and focus on the nice guys. The godly guys. And the right way to do it. So that's what I'm talking about. Just wanted to make that clear. Thanks, Brett. :)
Step 3.
Don't pressure him.
After you let him act first, you must...must...MUST...not pressure him! I'm pretty sure this is where we girls go a little crazy sometimes. We have great intentions, I mean come on...we just want to be loved! But it reminds me of the movie Aladdin, when the Genie is listing the three kinds of wishes that he can't grant, and one of them is that he can't make anybody fall in love. Even the Genie couldn't do it for Aladdin. It's just not natural. If he had, it wouldn't have actually been love, because it would have been forced. Think about it that way when you're tempted to ask about being officially together, if he's put it on Facebook yet, if he's thinking about marriage, or if he's gotten the ring yet, etc. If you're pressuring him, then it's not going to be as great if it actually happens. Yes, it is wonderful if a guy is clear and honest about his intentions, and that's how it should be, but in his own time. If he has true feelings for you and has prayed about it and thinks that God is leading you two together, then his confidence in your relationship is going to sky rocket, which will affect everything else for the better. If you're pressuring him, then it will probably actually make his confidence in the relationship drop.
I'll give an example. Last summer, unbeknownst to me, Jordan was having convictions and feelings that I should not participate in Storm Squad again. You might think that's dumb, but we were very in tune with each other because we prayed together all the time. A little while later, I suddenly had those same convictions and they were very clear. I didn't really know why the Holy Spirit was making me feel that way, but I somehow just knew that I was done working for the Hurricanes. I was sad about it, but I had confidence in that decision. When I talked to Jordan about it, he told me he had been feeling the same way. Well that's wonderful! I thought. Even more confirmation that this is the right decision! Thank you, Lord!
Now imagine if it had gone down this way. Jordan has feelings that I shouldn't do Storm Squad. He decides to tell me about them. I'm not having those feelings and convictions yet, and am set on another year with the Canes. He tells me that he doesn't think it's a good idea. My response could be something like, Who are you to tell me that? Of course I'm doing Storm Squad! You're trying to control me! Why would you do that? You think that I have to follow what you say? Please. Then I automatically enter defiant mode without even realizing it, don't listen for my own convictions, follow my own plan. (Let me throw in that if Jordan and I were married he could have absolutely told me those feelings before I had them, because we are one in Christ now and I submit to him. Back then we weren't even engaged.)
Now take that example, but replace the feelings with feelings of "we should be together" or "we should get married". If he is pressured before he has those feelings and convictions, his response is probably going to be similar, with him thinking, Who are you to tell me that? I'm supposed to be the man! You're trying to control me! Why would you do that? You think that I have to follow what you say? Please. And then he enters defiant mode and the response is opposite of what you wanted. Even if he does respond positively on the outside, I bet that he is still wondering why he couldn't handle it himself. And then you also don't have the assurance of him acting on his own. You could always wonder, Did we get together because he wanted to, or because I pressured him into it? Not a good thing to wonder.
But, if you don't pressure him, and you let HIM have the feelings and convictions, then when he does eventually talk to you about whatever it is and you respond with Oh, yes, darling. I do indeed feel the same way. (Picture that as a black and white film, and then you fall into his arms.) Then he can feel that feeling of Well that's wonderful! Even more confirmation that this is the right decision! Thank you, Lord!
Well gee golly that's a happy ending with a big kiss and a soft glow, you may think. But what if the guy doesn't ever have those feelings or convictions? Should I wait around forever? That leads me to Step 4.
Step 4.
Trust the Lord.
That may sound cliche if you're a Christian and have been a believer for a while. But it is absolutely the truth. I'll give you some Scripture to back it up.
"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." - 2 Samuel 22:31
"Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." - Psalm 37:5
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." - Psalm 118:8
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6 (You knew I'd throw that one in there. Classic.)
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit." - Jeremiah 17:6-8
Therefore, it's pretty clear that trusting the Lord is the way to go. What does this mean in relationships? It means PRAYING about the relationship and the future. We usually claim to be praying about stuff, but are we really? Do we really take time to talk to God, and to actually listen? James 1 says that if we ask God, He will give us wisdom! He will guide us! We should be asking with faith, knowing that God has the best planned for us. Instead of making our own decisions and then asking God to bless them. (Of which I am very guilty!)
It also means being IN THE WORD. We're all about saying "I want to know God's will" when most of the time God's will is clearly laid out for us in the Bible, because it's HIS WORD! If we are consistently in the Word, then our thinking will be more like Christ's. I used to wonder if a certain guy was "the one" for me. (Many times, not just one certain guy.) Why didn't God just show me? Um, well if I had been in the Word more, I would have realized that He was straight up showing me. If I was trying to be the spiritual leader in the relationship because he wasn't doing it, then NO that wasn't right for me! If he was pressuring me physically, then NO it wasn't right for me! But noooo I had to drag everything out and cause more pain when I could have just already known by being in the Word.
And what about the guy who is following the Lord but just won't commit? Who you've been waiting around for? Obviously, I can't tell you what to do besides pray and be in the Word because I don't know God's plans for you. But I do think that if you are both doing those things that God will make it evident. It is crucial that you are having a Christ-focused, pure relationship though, or else your vision will be clouded. Being in the Word together, praying together, protecting each other from physical temptation, and treating each other with respect will eventually either show you that you are or are not right for each other. You really have to be honest with yourself though, because sometimes we want to just push those feelings away. And if you aren't right for each other, and God leads one or both of you to think that, then it has to be done. You can't hold on, because God is preparing you for something BETTER. He knows you better than you know yourself and has the best for you.
I feel like I could write a lot more about this, but I'm just sticking to what God has laid on my heart for right now. I'm not claiming all of this stuff because I'm some wise, all knowing person, but because this is what God has taught me through my mistakes, through His grace by leading me to Jordan, through others, and through His Word. If you have questions or comments then please do ask or share! There will definitely be more to come on this subject.
Before I get to the next steps, I want to point something out. My friend Brett, who has been such a great friend to me, asked me in regard to the previous post, "Do shy guys that lack confidence fall under 'not mature enough'?" What a great question! No, no. They are probably more mature than the more outgoing guys for the most part. What this goes back to, is what I pointed out yesterday, that the "shy guy" probably isn't going to be the one to try and sweet talk you to get you to like him. The awesome, respectful, shy guys are often overlooked because they get stuck in the friend zone with girls. Most girls want to skip straight to the romance, when really it's the friendship that is important for the foundation of the relationship. Also, we need to work on building guys up so they can have that confidence, treating them with RESPECT.
I personally think that the problem is that the girl doesn't normally allow herself to develop a romantic relationship with the "shy guy" because he's not as forward, and doesn't produce the love-at-first-sight-romantic-comedy-bam-you're-suddenly-perfectly-matched type of relationship that she's hoping for. The nice guys often wonder why girls go back to their jerk ex-boyfriends or go for the guy who's had 87 girls or the bad boys or whatever, and I know, it is ridiculous. I was a part of that ridiculousness. Whether it be because of insecurity, immaturity, or being just plain dumb - we girls need to get our acts together and focus on the nice guys. The godly guys. And the right way to do it. So that's what I'm talking about. Just wanted to make that clear. Thanks, Brett. :)
Step 3.
Don't pressure him.
After you let him act first, you must...must...MUST...not pressure him! I'm pretty sure this is where we girls go a little crazy sometimes. We have great intentions, I mean come on...we just want to be loved! But it reminds me of the movie Aladdin, when the Genie is listing the three kinds of wishes that he can't grant, and one of them is that he can't make anybody fall in love. Even the Genie couldn't do it for Aladdin. It's just not natural. If he had, it wouldn't have actually been love, because it would have been forced. Think about it that way when you're tempted to ask about being officially together, if he's put it on Facebook yet, if he's thinking about marriage, or if he's gotten the ring yet, etc. If you're pressuring him, then it's not going to be as great if it actually happens. Yes, it is wonderful if a guy is clear and honest about his intentions, and that's how it should be, but in his own time. If he has true feelings for you and has prayed about it and thinks that God is leading you two together, then his confidence in your relationship is going to sky rocket, which will affect everything else for the better. If you're pressuring him, then it will probably actually make his confidence in the relationship drop.
I'll give an example. Last summer, unbeknownst to me, Jordan was having convictions and feelings that I should not participate in Storm Squad again. You might think that's dumb, but we were very in tune with each other because we prayed together all the time. A little while later, I suddenly had those same convictions and they were very clear. I didn't really know why the Holy Spirit was making me feel that way, but I somehow just knew that I was done working for the Hurricanes. I was sad about it, but I had confidence in that decision. When I talked to Jordan about it, he told me he had been feeling the same way. Well that's wonderful! I thought. Even more confirmation that this is the right decision! Thank you, Lord!
Now imagine if it had gone down this way. Jordan has feelings that I shouldn't do Storm Squad. He decides to tell me about them. I'm not having those feelings and convictions yet, and am set on another year with the Canes. He tells me that he doesn't think it's a good idea. My response could be something like, Who are you to tell me that? Of course I'm doing Storm Squad! You're trying to control me! Why would you do that? You think that I have to follow what you say? Please. Then I automatically enter defiant mode without even realizing it, don't listen for my own convictions, follow my own plan. (Let me throw in that if Jordan and I were married he could have absolutely told me those feelings before I had them, because we are one in Christ now and I submit to him. Back then we weren't even engaged.)
Now take that example, but replace the feelings with feelings of "we should be together" or "we should get married". If he is pressured before he has those feelings and convictions, his response is probably going to be similar, with him thinking, Who are you to tell me that? I'm supposed to be the man! You're trying to control me! Why would you do that? You think that I have to follow what you say? Please. And then he enters defiant mode and the response is opposite of what you wanted. Even if he does respond positively on the outside, I bet that he is still wondering why he couldn't handle it himself. And then you also don't have the assurance of him acting on his own. You could always wonder, Did we get together because he wanted to, or because I pressured him into it? Not a good thing to wonder.
But, if you don't pressure him, and you let HIM have the feelings and convictions, then when he does eventually talk to you about whatever it is and you respond with Oh, yes, darling. I do indeed feel the same way. (Picture that as a black and white film, and then you fall into his arms.) Then he can feel that feeling of Well that's wonderful! Even more confirmation that this is the right decision! Thank you, Lord!
Well gee golly that's a happy ending with a big kiss and a soft glow, you may think. But what if the guy doesn't ever have those feelings or convictions? Should I wait around forever? That leads me to Step 4.
Step 4.
Trust the Lord.
That may sound cliche if you're a Christian and have been a believer for a while. But it is absolutely the truth. I'll give you some Scripture to back it up.
"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." - 2 Samuel 22:31
"Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." - Psalm 37:5
"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." - Psalm 118:8
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6 (You knew I'd throw that one in there. Classic.)
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit." - Jeremiah 17:6-8
Therefore, it's pretty clear that trusting the Lord is the way to go. What does this mean in relationships? It means PRAYING about the relationship and the future. We usually claim to be praying about stuff, but are we really? Do we really take time to talk to God, and to actually listen? James 1 says that if we ask God, He will give us wisdom! He will guide us! We should be asking with faith, knowing that God has the best planned for us. Instead of making our own decisions and then asking God to bless them. (Of which I am very guilty!)
It also means being IN THE WORD. We're all about saying "I want to know God's will" when most of the time God's will is clearly laid out for us in the Bible, because it's HIS WORD! If we are consistently in the Word, then our thinking will be more like Christ's. I used to wonder if a certain guy was "the one" for me. (Many times, not just one certain guy.) Why didn't God just show me? Um, well if I had been in the Word more, I would have realized that He was straight up showing me. If I was trying to be the spiritual leader in the relationship because he wasn't doing it, then NO that wasn't right for me! If he was pressuring me physically, then NO it wasn't right for me! But noooo I had to drag everything out and cause more pain when I could have just already known by being in the Word.
And what about the guy who is following the Lord but just won't commit? Who you've been waiting around for? Obviously, I can't tell you what to do besides pray and be in the Word because I don't know God's plans for you. But I do think that if you are both doing those things that God will make it evident. It is crucial that you are having a Christ-focused, pure relationship though, or else your vision will be clouded. Being in the Word together, praying together, protecting each other from physical temptation, and treating each other with respect will eventually either show you that you are or are not right for each other. You really have to be honest with yourself though, because sometimes we want to just push those feelings away. And if you aren't right for each other, and God leads one or both of you to think that, then it has to be done. You can't hold on, because God is preparing you for something BETTER. He knows you better than you know yourself and has the best for you.
I feel like I could write a lot more about this, but I'm just sticking to what God has laid on my heart for right now. I'm not claiming all of this stuff because I'm some wise, all knowing person, but because this is what God has taught me through my mistakes, through His grace by leading me to Jordan, through others, and through His Word. If you have questions or comments then please do ask or share! There will definitely be more to come on this subject.
Great advice Ashley! I wish I'd had your blog when I was a teenager! :)
ReplyDeleteHey, Ashley - I just found this post and I loved it! You have some awesome words of wisdom. Even though I'm not in a relationship right now, this advice is great for any stage of life! Thanks for being willing to write about what's on your heart - it has blessed and will bless many people. Thanks! :) Love your blog! ):)
ReplyDelete~Rachel <3
www.ramblingsbyrachel.blogspot.com
Hey Ashley! I am a college student at UAB, and let me just tell you.....waiting and putting all of your trust in the Lord can be very tough at times! I just stumbled across you're blog tonight by googling "addicted to slim fast" (weird, I know) and you're blog popped up! I started reading through, and you and you're husband are just such an ispiration! Please continue to blog. Not only have you blessed me, but I'm sure many others as well!
ReplyDelete<3 Ashley
Your blog is such a blessing to me right now!
ReplyDeleteOver the past half year I've grown to be really good friends with a guy in the church; at first I didn't even consider him as someone I would want to date, and as time has passed and we've gotten to know each other, things have changed. We contemplated dating but the closer we grew the more we felt the Lord speaking that it's not the time.
I don't know what's coming, but it's so encouraging to read these stories of His faithfulness while I wait! I especially love this bit about letting him lead every step of the way and letting him come to his own convictions instead of you pressuring him into them. Great food for thought!
Thank you.
This is awesome! I loved it it helped me! righ on time praise the Lord!
ReplyDelete